did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
