the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
