Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
