i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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