as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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