i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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