Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
