I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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