if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
