I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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