I hate all girls vehemently.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
