I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
