my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
