I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
