Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Enjoy the penises
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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