im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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