I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
He shit in the fireplace
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
