Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
