I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
