I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
