I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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