i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
