Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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