how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
