the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
