Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
