Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
