come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
