Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
