remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
