there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
