So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
