I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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