yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
