i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
