i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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