..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
