there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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