Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
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