just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
