Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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