he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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