that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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