apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
