dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Randomize
