You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
