Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
