if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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