Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Sober January is a disaster.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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