I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
