Can Purell be used as lube?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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